How Gender Roles Shape the Fertility Journey: Why Men and Women Often Struggle Differently
When couples begin their fertility journey, it’s easy to assume they’re going through the same experience. But in therapy, I often see just how differently partners process the emotional weight of infertility, and much of that difference is shaped by gender role expectations we’ve inherited, often without realizing it.
These roles don’t just impact how we support each other—they influence how we grieve, cope, and even define our sense of identity during the fertility process.
Gender Roles: The Invisible Forces in Fertility Stress
Even in modern relationships, traditional gender roles still shape emotional norms:
Men are often socialized to be fixers, protectors, or providers. Vulnerability may feel unfamiliar or shameful.
Women are more often encouraged to be emotionally expressive, self-sacrificing, and in tune with relational needs—but also carry the burden of performance and responsibility when treatment is focused on their body.
When left unspoken, these roles can create emotional distance, confusion, and even resentment between partners—especially in the face of something as emotionally complex as infertility.
Why Men and Women Often Experience Fertility So Differently
Different Social Messages About Grief and Control
When IVF fails or a pregnancy is lost, women are often flooded with visible grief and embodied trauma. They’ve physically undergone procedures, medications, hormonal changes, and side effects.
Men, on the other hand, are often expected to be emotionally stable, supportive, and “strong”—even as they quietly carry pain, helplessness, and fear of failing their partner.
In session, I often hear male partners say things like, “I didn’t know if I was allowed to be upset,” while their partner says, “I felt like I was grieving alone.”
The Mental Load of Fertility Work Often Falls Unevenly
Women tend to manage the logistics—appointments, tracking cycles, navigating insurance, researching treatments—while men may default to a more supportive or passive role.
This isn’t about blame—it’s about conditioning. Unfortunately, it can lead to unspoken resentment or feelings of disconnection, especially if the partner doing the heavy lifting feels alone in the process.
Couples therapy can help surface these patterns and re-balance the emotional and mental load.
Fertility Can Threaten Gender Identity
Fertility challenges many people’s sense of self, but it often strikes at different parts of identity:
For women, it may feel like a threat to femininity, worth, or purpose.
For men, it may trigger shame around masculinity, virility, or being a “protector.”
These identity wounds often go unspoken, and when unacknowledged, they can quietly erode intimacy and self-esteem.
What Therapy Can Offer
In couples counselling, we unpack these gendered experiences with compassion, not blame. We explore:
How each partner learned their role in relationships and emotional expression
What support actually looks like for each of you (it’s rarely the same!)
How to build emotional safety for vulnerable conversations, grief, and unmet expectations
This work helps couples move from parallel grief to shared connection, where both partners feel seen, supported, and emotionally included in the journey.
Final Thoughts
Fertility struggles don’t just test the body, they test the relationship, identity, and emotional dynamics that hold couples together. Gender roles, which are often invisible but deeply felt, can amplify that strain.
When we slow down and name these patterns, therapy becomes a place where partners stop feeling like they’re on two different planets and start feeling like they’re in this together.
If you and your partner feel emotionally out of sync during your fertility journey, you’re not alone, and you don’t have to stay stuck. Reach out today to learn more about couples counselling for fertility and reproductive challenges.
