Choosing to use an egg donor, sperm donor, or embryo adoption can be a path filled with hope, possibility, and love. But it can also come with a quiet, complex grief that many people feel unprepared for and often feel guilty about.

*Grief and growth often come hand in hand. Choosing donor conception may mean letting go of one dream to nurture another.*

If you're navigating the decision to build your family without your own DNA, you might feel alone in your experience. You might even wonder if it’s okay to grieve at all.

Let’s be clear: this kind of grief is real. And it matters.

“I Thought I Was Okay With This, So Why Am I So Sad?”

Many people expect to feel relief once they’ve decided to move forward with third-party reproduction. You’ve made the decision. You’ve chosen a donor. You’re doing what it takes to move toward parenthood.

But beneath the surface, you may also be carrying:

Grief for the child you imagined
Sadness about your genetic connection ending with you
A sense of loss around family resemblance, traits, or legacy
Shame about feeling disappointed or conflicted
Fear of how others will perceive your family or the questions they will ask
Worry about how you’ll explain it to your future child

These feelings are valid, and they don’t mean you’re ungrateful, unloving, or uncommitted to your path.

They mean you’re human.

Why This Grief Is Often Invisible

This kind of grief is known as ambiguous loss - a loss that isn’t widely recognized or openly discussed. There’s no funeral, no public ritual, no obvious place to put your sadness. And often, people around you don’t understand why you’re grieving at all.

You might hear:

“At least you can still carry.”
“At least it’s your partner’s DNA.”
“You’ll love them the same either way.”
“Genetics don’t make a family.”

While well-intentioned, these comments can shut down your grief instead of making space for it. They may make you feel like you have to skip over your pain to prove you’re grateful.

I’ve said it once (maybe twice?), and I’ll say it again - But both can exist.
You can feel deep love for your future child and grieve what will never be.

What This Grief Might Look Like

Grief around not using your own DNA may show up as:

Feeling numb or emotionally flat during the decision-making process
Avoiding conversations about donors or genetics
Crying unexpectedly over things that once felt exciting
Feeling triggered by pregnancy announcements or genetic comparisons
Wondering if you’ll feel like the “real” parent
Feeling disconnected from your body or your role

None of this means you're making the wrong decision. It means you're processing a loss - the loss of one imagined future while stepping toward another.

Letting Yourself Grieve Doesn’t Mean You’ve Given Up

Grief is not a sign that you’re not ready.
It’s a sign that you are caring deeply about what this means.

By making space for your grief, you're allowing yourself to heal - so that you can walk into this next chapter with more emotional clarity and self-compassion.

Grief doesn’t block love.
In many cases, it opens the door wider.

Things That Can Help

Journaling: Write a letter to the child you imagined. Or to yourself at an earlier stage of the journey.
Therapy: A fertility-informed therapist like myself can help you hold space for your grief and your hopes at the same time.
Ritual or symbolic goodbye: It may help to create a quiet moment to honor the path you’re not taking. Light a candle. Write a goodbye. Breathe.
Community: Hearing from others who’ve walked this path can help ease isolation. You are not the only one feeling this way.
Giving yourself time: You don’t need to rush into “feeling okay.” You can take the time you need to adjust.

Resources That Speak to This Experience

“Let’s Talk About Egg Donation” by Marna Gatlin and Marie D. Werner
A thoughtful guide that includes emotional readiness and lived experiences.
“Three Makes Baby” by Jana Rupnow, LPC
Focuses on the emotional realities of donor conception and how to build connection and trust with your future child.
Donor Conception Network (UK-based, but widely used)
Offers support and resources for parents, prospective parents, and donor-conceived individuals.
Fertility Matters Canada
Provides Canadian-based information and community resources, including for donor conception and embryo adoption.

Final Thought

You are allowed to grieve the loss of a genetic connection.
You are allowed to feel unsure, to take your time, and to carry complicated emotions.
And you are still fully capable of being a loving, connected, incredible parent.

Grief and love are not opposites.
Often, they grow side by side.

The Grief No One Can See: When You’re Not Using Your Own DNA to Have a Baby