When Positivity Becomes Harmful: Understanding Toxic Positivity During the Fertility Journey

If you’ve been trying to conceive, chances are you’ve heard some version of:

• “Just stay positive.”

• “It’ll happen when you stop stressing.”

• “Everything happens for a reason.”

• “At least you can try again.”

These phrases are often said with good intentions. But when you're navigating the emotional rollercoaster of infertility, they can feel anything but helpful.

This is what we call toxic positivity, and it can do real harm during the fertility journey.

What Is Toxic Positivity?

Toxic positivity is the belief that no matter how difficult a situation is, people should maintain a positive mindset. It dismisses or minimizes real emotional pain in favor of “good vibes only.”

On a fertility journey, toxic positivity might sound like:

• “Don’t think negatively - it might affect your chances.”

• “Just be grateful you have options.”

• “You’re being too sensitive.”

• “Other people have it worse.”

• “You have to believe it will work or it won’t.”

While positivity can be a helpful coping strategy, forcing it or using it to silence hard feelings often creates more shame, disconnection, and emotional isolation.

There's No Scientific Link Between Positivity and Fertility Outcomes

Let’s clear up one common myth: One I want to shout from the rooftops!
There is no evidence that “staying positive” increases your chances of getting pregnant. <— please read that again!

Fertility is complex. Outcomes depend on a wide range of biological, medical, and sometimes unknown factors. While chronic stress may affect certain hormone levels, occasional anxiety, grief, or emotional distress are not responsible for failed cycles or losses.

You didn’t cause this by feeling sad.
You don’t have to force a smile to deserve a good outcome.
You can be angry, heartbroken, scared, or anxious, and still be deeply committed to your path.

Why Toxic Positivity Hurts

1. It shuts down emotional honesty

When you feel pressure to “look on the bright side,” it can be hard to express the real grief, fear, or anger that comes with infertility.

2. It creates guilt for having normal emotions

You may begin to think, “Maybe I’m not pregnant yet because I’m too negative.”
This is not only untrue - it’s cruel to yourself. Not to mention, it adds MORE stress to an already stressful time

3. It isolates you from others

If people respond to your pain with “just be positive,” you may stop sharing altogether and start carrying it all alone.

Embracing Emotional Truth on the Fertility Journey

Let’s make room for the full experience.

Grief.
Hope.
Disappointment.
Frustration.
Joy.
Fear.
Ambivalence.
Resentment.
Jealousy.
Love.

They can all coexist. None of them are signs you’re “doing it wrong.”

In fact, allowing yourself to feel what’s true is an act of resilience.
It means you're showing up fully, even when it hurts.

What Helpful Support Actually Sounds Like

Instead of toxic positivity, here’s what more compassionate responses can sound like:

• “That sounds incredibly painful. I’m here if you want to talk.”

• “You don’t need to be positive right now, you get to feel exactly how you feel.”

• “You’re not alone in this.”

• “Is there something I can do to support you today?”

• “You don’t need to have hope every moment, I can hold it for you when it’s too heavy.”

How to Practice Self-Compassion (Instead of Toxic Positivity)

• Acknowledge your feelings without judgment.
  “I’m grieving today — and that makes sense.”

• Give yourself permission to be honest.
  You don’t need to protect others from your truth.

• Let go of “high vibes only” culture.
  Your body doesn’t require optimism to function. It requires care.

• Surround yourself with people who can tolerate hard emotions.
  If someone only sticks around for the sunshine, they’re not your emotional safe space.

• Remember: validation is healing.
  Being seen and understood helps reduce distress far more than being told to cheer up.

Resources to Support Emotional Well-Being During Fertility Challenges

• “Self-Compassion” by Dr. Kristin Neff
  Grounding support for learning how to speak to yourself with kindness during hard times.

• Fertility Matters Canada
  Offers Canadian-specific support, peer networks, and educational resources
  https://fertilitymatters.ca

Final Thought

You do not have to be positive all the time to deserve a baby.
You do not have to pretend this isn’t hard.
You do not need to shrink your pain to make others comfortable.

Your emotions are not the problem.
The problem is a culture that teaches us to silence them.

You’re allowed to feel it all. And you’re still doing your best.